“Savor life: don’t just breathe it in; exhale the moment to intake the next.” -KC Rhoads

Photographer :Evans Ogeto

Am having a regular work day  but two things don’t seem right: sudden craving of these one piece chicken from chicken inn and a sudden heightened sense of smell. But well, as a woman you blame it on the hormones and just brush it off because it goes away anyway.

Day 1, two, three, four, five!!! Well, these are not the hormones that visit once a month, I think it’s the clan that comes to settle for 40 weeks. Dear my days X app, are the periods late… no Rael, everything is ok. My gut feeling thinks otherwise. So, what next…that blood test. For some awkward reason, I don’t trust those sticks that girls pee on.

I can tell from the doctor’s face what the result is. His bright smile, the body language, I can almost feel how much he is fighting the urge to hug me. Then he drops the CONGRATULATIONS, you are 8 weeks pregnant! Doctors make you feel good about the little humans growing in you, as he goes on and on, on the next steps, am still stuck at 8 week’s pregnant. My app says we didn’t make any baby, my periods didn’t disappoint either, but hey, when you are observing safe days  babies can happen, so this I called for.

Daktari, thank you, let me go share with the relevant party then come for the scans and supplements. Might you be knowing if they are twins? I ask on my way out. See you in about 48hrs.

Two days later, am ready  for the scans and the supplements that come as a package to keep the clan of hormones company. Plus I mean, I have it all figured out. The baby name Enrik/qa (I was still debating on the K or Q at the end), the features she is going to take from me and everything that would follow. 48 hours is a longtime, you dream of how dress up will be considering I only know how to dress the boy that I am, school, wedding… This is what motherhood does.

Somewhere in the course of the day, there is some cramping and spotting. Dr. google say’s this is a sign of early pregnancy, anyway am seeing the doctor later so it’s nothing to worry about. But the pain persists, am used to painful periods, but this is on another level. I rush to the nearest health center, explain my case. The look on the nurse’s face scares every nerve on me. She goes ahead to inject me with some pain killer, then asks…are there any clots or it’s just the spotting? No clots. Am then taken to the observation room, asked to change into the hospital clothes, then asked to lie on my back on the  bed.

Rael, please raise your leg’s am going to check your cervix… with every passing minute, am trying to find the right question to ask, or some way to react but when words fail me, I just say, OK. I can feel her fingers go in down there, but that’s all! My mind is blank, am cold and I think numb from the pain killers. Rael, I can hear her call my name…I turn, look at her and try to pull a smile.

Your cervix is open and you are having contractions, you are in labor !!!! Already, you mean they come that fast nowadays, or is it 40 weeks ? She pulls her fingers out, what follows is the hugest blood clot I  have seen in my life so far.

Ever felt dead: just there, motionless, helpless,no tears, weak, just dead! I think the nurse was mumbling something, trying to console me…all I can hear is blah, blah blah. But this catches my attention, you are going for a scan to check if your uterus is clean, if all is well, you go home!

By now, a part of me was starting to accept the short lived moment I had with baby E, then that scan. It brought a little ray of hope, there was a heart beat. See, Rael here is your guy, no it’s my girl …what follows is devastating. For a moment, I want to be in that pain again, to labor, to feel the contractions but the pain killers are loyal,they wouldn’t let me.

Baby E is growing outside the uterus! Sweet-heart what are you doing outside the uterus?Are there sites to see,did you discover some nice food or were there some nice men to check out… see, I know what she would love. So, now what happens, how do we get her back to the uterus? I can feel baby E almost say, mum, I forever live in you.

Rael, the only way is out of your body, this is an emergency. We are going to theater!!! A good day that started with all the excitement, hope and all the possible beauty that life can deliver, ended in the emergency room and out with scars that will forever remind me of my little E.

On that break… life hit really  hard and I had to take that break. To concentrate on my health, accept a few hard facts and basically just exhale.

I am grateful for the cheering squad that I have in my life. Their team leader is amazing. He is my number one favorite human. A man who has seen me through my deepest darkest moments, held my hand, helped me pick the pieces and make something meaningful out of it. I love you dad.

I am learning a new level of moving on, the expert kind. The kind that requires me to remember that one minute all could be well and in a split second, the whole world crumbles. Above all having the faith that does not give up in the storm.

Exhale…

Happy

#rael.tomboy